These are my thoughts and feelings compiled together and poured out for
you to read.
“The raw vulnerability of untempered love. Of that handful
of people who hold your heart-skinned alive- and could slay you with their
absence. Untempered love is terrifying. But what’s life if we never love others
past the rational sensibilities of our self-protection?” (Moore 56).
The first time I read this, it slapped me square in the face
again and again and again. I believe we all come across quotes like this: The
ones that confront our deepest issues, the ones that we can’t shake, the
thoughts that we can relate to on the most intimate level. Even if perhaps no
one else-specifically the ones we are closest to-knows these things about us.
The problem is though, if you are like me, you don’t relate to it on such a
deep level because of the vast amount of experience that you have with it. You
relate because you realize just how little you have allowed yourself to
experience these types of relationships. And somewhere deep inside you regret
that for so much of your life you have completely shut yourself off to
vulnerability or openness. Why? Because if you don’t allow yourself to ever
care about anything or anyone else, then you can’t get hurt. If you are never
vulnerable or open, then others won’t grow close to you and you can continue
your life unscathed by relationships. However, this is false because you will get hurt regardless. You will be
hurt because of the regret you’ll be filled with from not ever feeling like you
have had “soul closeness” with the people in your life (Moore 58).
Unfortunately the way that I was raised set me up to develop this mind set. It wasn’t the
sole cause of course, but it began my downward spiral of a life without
letting other people in. I am not blaming my
parents for all of my issues. Parents aren’t perfect and there are many other
influences in a child’s life.
The way of thinking
that I was raised in didn’t encourage showing negative emotions. You were
always happy and life was perfect because you were a Christian and Jesus loves
you. Or at least that was how it was supposed to appear on the outside. “Don’t
argue around anyone and pretend that you are happy, no matter what is going on
at home, keep it to yourself. Pretend that you are perfect.” Those are the kind of ideas I’m getting at here. So I learned to hold
it in. Talking things out did not exist. I really felt like feelings were bad and I was not supposed to have them. Things that weren’t pretty or were
unpleasant didn’t get talked about. I know there are so many others who were
brought up in this thought pattern as well, it’s damaging to say the least. It
encourages children to attempt to be perfect, which is an
unreachable goal, so they never feel good enough; and then as adults they do
not know how to communicate in an effective way because, during their
developing life, communication was shut down. Children should be encouraged to
talk about the things they feel no matter how ugly they are. If you don’t encourage your children to talk about their feelings with you then they will find another
outlet in which to let them out, and in many cases it is not going to be something
desirable. I speak for myself as well when I say this, but we've got to get more comfortable having uncomfortable conversations. Otherwise the disfunction will continue.
My house growing up was stressful. I remember having horrible anxiety from a very young age. I believe my parents did the best that they were capable of doing, but my experience is still valid. There were good times; and I cherish those memories. But if I'm being honest, most of my childhood memories are clouded with anxiety and stress and I would never go back.
Around the time I was ten, my parents got divorced. The summer before 7th grade, my dad died of an accidental drug overdose. He wasn't trying to kill himself. He was at a party. The “friend” helping him get
high with a needle put too much in his system. I found out later that he was alive for most of the night the night that it happened... He could have been taken to the hospital, his life could have been saved. Someone could have done something. But instead, they let him lay there unconscious all night and die, in order to save their own skin. No one got in
trouble, he was just dead. I held it in. Life blindsided me at a young age and,
not knowing how to cope, I shut my emotions off almost completely. I didn’t
want to feel anything ever again. Due to the many years of holding emotions in, I continued to attempt perfection and pretend that nothing had
happened. All the while, my soul felt like it was dying inside. For so many years I put on an act, I got really good at faking it. Almost too good. Until all of those issues started to come out in other ways.
The problem with being shut off is that people don’t like
cold people. People like vulnerable people because they can relate to that. For
years I kept friends at an arm’s length distance. For years I watched people
around me have intimate friendships and relationships full of affection and
uninhibited words of love. Words that I longed to be able to say, but my
stronghold stopped me. For years I kept myself from hugging someone when
everything in me wanted to squeeze them so hard they couldn’t breathe. For
years I kept my mouth shut when I knew people wanted me to tell them how much I
loved them. For years I said nothing when the friends around me bared their souls
and shared their struggles openly with me. It seemed to come so naturally to
them. They were so brave in my eyes: to be able to be so open and not afraid of
hurt or rejection.
I’ve missed out on so
many close friendships and completely cut others off. I didn’t want to share
any of this, but it seemed to be a recurring theme in my life recently. I could
not shake it off. It bothered me deep in my core that I might die one day
feeling like I never got truly close to so many wonderful people in my life.
The Lord has continued to bring this topic to me and put it directly in my face
so that I could not reject it. I recently started a 5 week bible study. I had
no idea what to expect out of it, I didn’t read up on it at all. All I knew was
that the author is an incredible person and I want to be more like her. The
extremely intimate friend/mentor/relationship between Paul and Timothy has been
a very strong and very recurring theme in that study. Not only that, but
frequently in the last month multiple people I know have lost loved ones very
close to them. Which has continued to make me so aware of how delicate life is.
The thing that pushed me over the edge though to finally writing all of this was a
movie, a movie?! My husband and I rented a movie last night. It was supposed to
be a thriller (not quite so). Movie night pushed me to have this epiphany!? What?! Obviously
it was a number of things strung together that caused all of this to come out
of me but it amazes me the things God will use to bring up a point to us.
I know there are others out there like me. Who stay closed
off: afraid to show love, or be vulnerable. That’s also
one of the many reasons I wrote this. I don’t want anyone else wasting anymore
of their life like I did. IT IS OKAY TO BE WEAK. In fact, it is endearing to be
open about your weaknesses. Why? Because no one is perfect and no one should expect
anyone else to be. Embrace weakness, be vulnerable, show so much love that
people wonder if you are on happy drugs. Tell that person how great they are
and how much they mean to you. I’ve been working on this in myself for years
(and still going). It takes time to completely change a pattern that is
ingrained in your mental habits. However thanks to God, I refuse to die feeling
that I missed out on so much love and that others missed out on so much love
from me.
Reference
Moore,
Beth. Entrusted: A Study of 2 Timothy.
LifeWay Press, 2016.
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